Posts Tagged ‘Tom Bombadil is a jolly fellow’

Bad Hobbits

Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009

You know those irritating Orange ads that play in the cinema, in which idiot studio execs attempt to muck about with actors’ “worthy” film projects? There was one a while back in which they pitched a sequel to Lord of The Rings to Sean Astin. The fourth part of the trilogy, featuring Orange phones product placement. Yes yes yes, studio execs are soulless money hungry boneheads. We get it. Very funny.

Of course, Lord of the Rings has a ready made sequel, or prequel, in the form of the more light hearted (and shorter) The Hobbit. Bearing in mind the massive success of Peter Jackson’s film adaptations it was only a matter of time before this went into production, although some of the early reports of this were a little confusing to fans of Tolkien’s books. The word was that there would be two more Middle Earth movies, the first an adaptation of The Hobbit, and the second which would be a new story. This would “bridge the gap” between The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings, as if that were a gap that ever needed bridging. It was commonly thought that this would use a lot of the information that Tolkien wrote for the LOTR appendices, basically all the backstory of The White Council pissing around in Dol Guldur (yes, I know my Tolkien trivia).

Forget the voice of Saruman, listen to the riffs

However the official line has now changed. There will still be two movies, but they will be two parts of a single adaptation of The Hobbit. Now, even though I was initially uncomfortable with the idea of a movie of what is essentially Middle Earth fanfaction, I can’t help thinking that they should be able to get that story done comfortably in the space of one movie. I mean how long does it need to be?

I have no doubt that any project overseen by fanboy godhead Jackson, with Pan’s Labyrinth creator Guillermo Del Toro (officially the best human ever) in the director’s chair will be nothing short of great, I have to question what is clearly an executive decision to extend the story further than it necessarily needs to go. So with that in mind I am suggesting that they don’t stop there, but go for a series of Hobbit movies. I’m talking franchise, baby!

  • The Hobbit: Reloaded – A “darker, edgier” story, in which leather trenchcoated halflings gun down passers by with semi automatic weaponry to a nu metal soundtrack for no good reason. For 2 hours 45 minutes.
  • The Hobbit: High Voltage – The same as the above but with more strippers.
  • The Hobbit: Requiem of The Fallen – The same violent mayhem but with a pretentious title to hopefully draw in the arthouse crowd.
  • The Hobbit: Curse of The Black Pearl - Post modern pirate based fun. Probably featuring Keira Knightley as a feisty 18th century noblewoman.
  • The Hobbit: Full Throttle – You know what the Middle Earth franchise has been missing? Street racing.
  • The Hobbit: Tokyo Drift - Sequel to the above with none of the original cast.
  • The Hobbit: Electric Boogaloo – Go for some of that High School Musical money. But with orcs.
  • Hobbit! – Long titles probably confuse cinemagoers, so this concept strips it down and returns Middle Earth to its roots, by getting rid of all the gay elf stuff and bringing back Vin Diesel

Either that or reboot Lord of the Rings for a modern (ie. stupid) audience. It’s all about the reboots now! It’s been six years, what’s taking them so long?

Share