Posts Tagged ‘Narnia’

Every Time I See “Heavy Plant Crossing” I Think of Ents

Wednesday, June 4th, 2008

So I saw that trailer for the new Narnia film. It looks okay, pretty much like any one of the other 5,700,391 fantasy epics that have been made since Peter Jackson’s Lord of The Rings movies were such a massive success. But something occurred to me between all those shots of griffins and pounding war drums. Why the fuck hasn’t anyone made a fantasy movie with Led Zeppelin on the soundtrack? That trailer would have been immeasurably superior if it had an ear shatteringly loud version of Kashmir instead of the cod John Williams shenanigans that these things invariably rattle to the sound of.

My theory is everyone likes rock, even if they say they don’t, and by extension everyone likes Led Zep. Pretty much every band ever (with the possible exception of Belle and Sebastian) has done a version of Kashmir. It’s so monolithically awesome that not even Puff Daddy/P. Diddy could fuck it up. Rage Against The Machine’s Wake Up (the defacto Nu Metal Kashmir) even made The Matrix seem good. Come on, this stuff’s not rocket science!

Of course Peter Jackson missed a trick with those Hobbit movies. He could’ve gone with the triple whammy of Battle of Evermore, Misty Mountain Hop and Ramble On. He could have even cheated a bit and used The Immigrant Song (for scenes of extreme goblin violence) and No Quarter (for creepy ghost shit ie. the bit with The Dead Men of Dunharrow). Apparently Jackson is making an adaptation of The Hobbit (along with The Hobbit 2: Tokyo Drift or something), so hopefully this situation can be rectified.

Anyway, screw Prince Caspian. The only thing I remember in that book was a good bit with a werewolf. I want to see The Voyage of The Dawn Treader. Suggested soundtrack A Salty Dog by Procol Harum.

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Merry & Pippin Christmas

Wednesday, December 11th, 2013

 

The Red Wizard

It’s that time of year again. A tradition that stretches back hundreds of years, and we think back fondly to winters gone by when we would gather together to tell stories of hobbits, sing overlong songs, and complain about Peter Jackson using “too much CGI”. Yes, another Middle Earth movie is upon us. I don’t know whether The Desolation of Smaug is the best film, but it sure as Hell has the most metal title. Smaug is fun to say, even if you don’t pronounce it right.

I see this one has a new character – that most fantastical of creatures, a female! Hopefully this one doesn’t have to dress as a bloke to be taken seriously (little bit of sexual politics, there). Actually Tauriel seems to be my old Lord Of The Rings Online character. Is she canon now? Are all the characters from that game canon? That must explain the overabundance of dwarves. Let’s see there’s Thorin, Borin, Dwarin, Doc, Sleepy, Bashful, Tobermory, Orinoco, Chase & Status, Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & James Nesbit.

So there were five wizards, but we only ever meet three of them. Who were the other two? Well one of them was a red suited, jolly chap who hung out in the snowy regions and gave out presents (not to mention occasionally moonlighting in Narnia), and we present him here as our annual Christmas Card to you, our loyal readers.

And the fifth wizard? Let’s just say he was a skinny, British, bespectacled teenage boy who hung out with an owl. Yes, that’s right, Tim Hunter, bitches!

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