Posts Tagged ‘Christmas’

(Only) Just In Time For Christmas

Thursday, December 24th, 2009

Here’s a Christmas pic for you. Enjoy. And why you’re about it, why not listen to the At Least It Wasn’t Santana Soundtrack playlist? Old faves, some obscurities and some stuff that doesn’t really have anything to do with Christmas, but is a bit “wintery”.

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Messy Christmas

Tuesday, December 14th, 2010

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Merry Winter Solstice

Saturday, December 24th, 2011

and a Happy New Year. Yes I’ve been watching The Box Of Delights.

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Man I Feel Like Some Christmas

Sunday, December 16th, 2012

I’m not going to tell you that The Santa Clause 2 is a classic. I’m not even going to tell you it’s a good movie. But it’s a damn sight better than you probably think it is (ie. shit). It’s an eight years later sequel to the 1994 Disney original, in which Tim Allen accidentally kills Father Christmas (great start to a kids’ film), then gradually bloats and beards up as he finds he has to don the red coat and replace the big guy, with the assistance of his young son and an irascible Jewish elf called Bernard. You can choose to view it as one man’s descent into insanity, but it also seems reminiscent of Piers Anthony’s On a Pale Horse, a comic fantasy in which a suicidal man replaces Death. Anthony spun out the novel into the Incarnations of Immortality series, which took in characters like Father Time, War and Nature.

Similarly, The Santa Clause 2 introduces a council of mythological personifications like The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy and The Sandman, who’s played by a narcoleptic Michael Dorn. That’s right, it’s fucking Worf in a nightshirt. Believe it or not, that’s not the best bit.

The main plot concerns another “clause” (see what they did there) meaning our man Santa has to bag himself a wife before Christmas Eve, for some unconvincing reason. I guess immigration laws at The North Pole are unexpectedly draconian. While he’s off out in the real world, mackin’ on chicks, over in the B plot, the elves create a replacement, Last Starfighter style. The replacement “Toy” goes mad with power, puts everyone in the world on the naughty list and ends up as a black leather clad, vaguely fascist militaristic dictator. Unbelievably, this is also not the bet bit.

The best bit comes when Allen starts begins his desperate quest for a shotgun wedding. He dates a woman who is so obsessed with the Festive period that she immediately launches into one of the most excruciatingly awkward performances in cinema history, a version of Shania Twain’s Man I Feel Like A Woman, lyrics bastardised to the grammatically suspect Man I Feel Like Some Christmas. It’s astonishing, and credit must be given to the actress, for such a balls out, batshit crazy performance.

There’s nothing quite so entertaining in The Santa Clause 3, an undercooked franchise entry that not even an off the shelf riff on It’s A Wonderful Life, and Martin Short in the role of Jack Frost can salvage. To add insult to injury, Bernard is nowhere to be seen and not even mentioned. At least the production designers were amusing themselves – I’m pretty sure I saw a fireplace that was suspiciously reminiscent of the big stone head from Zardoz.

Forget that. They should make a spin off about the crazy Christmas lady, the true breakout character (or, if you prefer, The Boba Fett) of The Santa Clause “Trilogy”.

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The Present Is Good…

Wednesday, December 19th, 2012

Merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Yule, Winter Solstice, Pancha Ganapati, Festivus and Life Day. Zardoz is pleased.

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Merry & Pippin Christmas

Wednesday, December 11th, 2013

 

The Red Wizard

It’s that time of year again. A tradition that stretches back hundreds of years, and we think back fondly to winters gone by when we would gather together to tell stories of hobbits, sing overlong songs, and complain about Peter Jackson using “too much CGI”. Yes, another Middle Earth movie is upon us. I don’t know whether The Desolation of Smaug is the best film, but it sure as Hell has the most metal title. Smaug is fun to say, even if you don’t pronounce it right.

I see this one has a new character – that most fantastical of creatures, a female! Hopefully this one doesn’t have to dress as a bloke to be taken seriously (little bit of sexual politics, there). Actually Tauriel seems to be my old Lord Of The Rings Online character. Is she canon now? Are all the characters from that game canon? That must explain the overabundance of dwarves. Let’s see there’s Thorin, Borin, Dwarin, Doc, Sleepy, Bashful, Tobermory, Orinoco, Chase & Status, Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & James Nesbit.

So there were five wizards, but we only ever meet three of them. Who were the other two? Well one of them was a red suited, jolly chap who hung out in the snowy regions and gave out presents (not to mention occasionally moonlighting in Narnia), and we present him here as our annual Christmas Card to you, our loyal readers.

And the fifth wizard? Let’s just say he was a skinny, British, bespectacled teenage boy who hung out with an owl. Yes, that’s right, Tim Hunter, bitches!

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